Fiction Week 1

Part 1
Exercise 1

10 opening lines:

1. Ellie wished she’d never bought that silk chiffon dress with real Swarovski crystal detail.

2. It was unacceptable, completely unacceptable, that he should be sitting in my chair.

3. The gloaming of an August evening struck panic in one Timothy McDeller, who sprinted to his mother’s kitchen calendar to count the days until September 4.

4. Why didn’t anyone else seem to notice that the cat’s ear twitched every time a bird flew near?

5. “If I ever see you with a cigarette, Donnie,” she croaked between puffs, “I’ll whoop yer ass all the way to Plainsview and back.”

6. As Sarah stared at the piano keys, each of the eighty-eight stubbornly refusing to do anything on its own, she wondered how long she could pretend that she didn’t know how to play.

7. Mrs. Torini offered me cookies as though I might have already forgotten about my lost mail, and no, I would not be calling her Edna.

8. “I most certainly did see a blue station wagon parked outside of the house on Tuesday.”

9. God damned robots.

10. Jonas and Gabriel were just about to sled down that hill for the third time when my father roared, “Where in the hell is that noise coming from?”


Exercise 9

Ann Landers: look at the top of the page for my inspiration.

I would retell this story from the viewpoint of one of the children—the youngest daughter of this couple. Sylvia is now 41 years old, unmarried with three children of her own. She works at a fabric store. Sylvia know she was raised with all advantages, but she chose to study home economics in college. She wanted to be the next Martha Stewart, but instead she teaches quilting classes at the store. She lovingly takes care of her children, who don’t have the privileges she had, but she takes them to the library and the park, and other free places. Sylvia knows her brother and sister have a difficult time with her parents, but she holds them no ill will. She never got along with them, but she never didn’t, either.

The story begins when Sylvia finds out at her job that her father has just died and her mother is not doing well in the hospital. She decides to take some time off and, as it is summer, her children go, too. She does not yet know if her sister and brother will be joining her in her parents’ hometown, just twenty minutes from where she lives. Her mother dies days after her arrival.

Throughout the story, we will find out about the bitterness of Sylvia’s siblings when they find out their parents left all their money to random good Samaritans they read about in the newspaper. Sylvia, however, thinks this is kind of them, and has always believed in people making their own way in the world. She doesn’t see her life getting worse, anyway. Her siblings decide to contest the will, and, when this doesn’t work, harass the people her parents left money to. Sylvia decides she would simply like to meet them.


Part 2
Exercise 14

We shall call her Tammy, although her real first name continued to haunt me with others who shared it— someone named Tammy would always date the boys I liked, get the job I wanted, or have the beauty, talent, or grace I coveted. But this Tammy was my “best friend” from the ages of four through six, while I lived in Marlboro, New Jersey. Yes, like the cigarettes.

She bossed me around constantly, and I always did what she said. When we were at her house she used that to declare that she would get to choose what to do, and when she was at my house—which she rarely was—she would state that “guests should get to decide what to do,” and my mother agreed. Tammy threw tantrums and her parents sent me home whenever she decided I did something wrong. Her parents: she never had a chance. She was an only child who lived with two working parents and a grandmother. They spoiled her with all things material. Tammy was pudgy, but by no means fat. Her mother made her drink diet soda and regularly put her on diets. I was always naturally better than her at everything by just a little bit, but she went to school and I didn’t, so she knew all about a world in which I was clueless.

Today, I picture Tammy to be blissfully unhappy, constantly trying to prove to the world how perfect her life is. I’m sure she went to a name brand college that’s mildly difficult to get into. She’s got some sort of office job where she dresses well and makes enough money part-time, so she can be home to pick up her children from elementary school. I’m sure there are two—a boy in first grade and a girl in kindergarten, because that’s how it works out for couples like this. She wears a giant rock on her finger, and her husband works on Wall Street. He hand washes his car in his driveway every Saturday morning, just like her father did. It’s so cliché, and that’s the tragedy of it all. In 10 years she’ll be just like the parents I dread meeting during conferences: defending every mistake her children make because she has worked so hard to be their friend instead of their mother. And they won’t respect her.


Exercise 18

EVENT: The first time I tried a cigarette
I REMEMBER: It was outside down the street from my house in Freehold, New Jersey. It was broad daylight, and I was standing with “Cynthia” on her driveway. I was nine years old, she was a year or two older. She had stolen the cigarettes from her older sister, and she had done it before. A few years later, I would write my D.A.R.E. essay on how I said no, even though I tried the cigarette. I knew we weren’t supposed to smoke, and I knew I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t angry or nervous. It was more like I just didn’t feel like it, but as a kid, I did anything anyone dared me to, and often put myself into dangerous situations. I coughed a lot, did not enjoy the cigarette, but didn’t really care one way or the other that I had tried it. I told no one. I did not want to disappoint my mom. I remember Cynthia’s short, extremely bright red hair.
I DON’T REMEMBER: What events led up to this or what happened right afterward. I don’t remember what my parents thought of Cynthia, but I didn’t hang out with her much. I don’t really remember what I was thinking, just that it happened. I don’t know what time of year it was, or how much I hung out with Cynthia after that. I don’t really remember anything else about this girl at all, except that her older sister had a lot of Heavy Metal posters on her bedroom ceiling.

Beginning of Story:
“Where’d you get that?”
“My sister’s purse.” Cynthia held the cigarette coolly between her fingers, just like my Uncle Travis. He was everyone’s favorite relative, and had been a smoker his whole life. Cynthia lit the stick like a pro, puffed twice, and handed it to me.
I held it for a moment or two, rolled it around, knowing I wasn’t doing it right. No one was around. I was nervous about getting caught, not about doing something wrong. I was in trouble regularly, but what a hassle. I didn’t want to answer all the questions that would follow my being caught, because I had no satisfactory answers. I knew I wasn’t supposed to smoke, because “it was bad,” but I felt no bullying from Cynthia. We were in good together, always climbing up light posts and stealing Mike & Ike’s from the gas station a mile away. She wasn’t pressuring me, just offering me another new experience, and I took it with obedience. Somewhere I had gotten into my mind that I would try everything in life, no matter how enjoyable or clever.


Part 3

Exercise 24

I’ve written a story about a group of women who all follow a sort of leader around, but it’s definitely in the rough stage. I’ll write about the leader. She is the sort of person who:
1. would disagree with your opinion, simply because you’ve stated it aloud.
2. pretends she does her own pristine gardening, but has a landscaper do most of the work.
3. sets her clothes out for the entire week.
4. verbally points out the shortcomings of others.
5. cries into her pillow about the nasty things she imagines people say about her.
6. hates her children, but would never betray that thought to anyone, even a stranger.
7. suspects her husband is cheating on her, but doesn’t care.
8. loves her dog and hates housework, but doesn’t mind vacuuming up his fur.
9. goes from department store to department store to get free makeovers and samples.
10. got all her leg hair removed so she doesn’t ever have to waste time shaving or waxing again.


25

The Best of Mason Hadigan
1. Name: Mason Hadigan
2. Nicknames: none; this bothers him.
3. Sex: male
4. Age: 24
5. Looks: average, average, average.
6. Education: useless undergraduate degree in sociology
7. Vocation/occupation: waiter at the Outback Steakhouse
8. Status and money: rents an apartment; makes decent tips as a waiter, okay with his station.
9. Marital status: single
10. Family, ethnicity: has a younger sister and an older brother, both live far away; parents live far away, separated but not divorced. None of the five live in the same state; Caucasian—mixed European descent
11. Diction, accent, etc.: has lived all over the place; picks up the accents and diction of whomever he’s talking to.
12. Relationships: a couple semi-serious girlfriends, but currently single; lives with his best friend from college, Ryan.
13. Places: nice apartment in Rochester, MN; roommate’s girlfriend cleans it; works at the Outback; rarely goes anywhere except out of necessity; mostly eats discounted restaurant food and Lucky Charms.
14. Possessions: book, records, unfolded but clean laundry. Beat-down mini-van.
15. Recreation, hobbies: a bit of a pop culture nut; also likes to dabble in everything—rock climbing, pool, whatever everyone else is up for; reads relentlessly.
16. Obsessions: reading; his vinyl collection, dogs, but doesn’t have one.
17. Beliefs: forgives everyone all the time; not sure if he should.
18. Politics: has always voted for democrats/liberals, but is scared to label himself anything; is extremely miffed by politicians.
19. Sexual history: has only slept with one girl; doesn’t like to talk about this because of how people perceive that, but he’s confident in himself; he’s patient about girls, though tends to get crushes easily.
20. Ambitions: vague, mid-20’s blah: wants to do “something.”
21. Religion: practicing agnostic, not the “I’m not sure” type.
22. Superstitions: has to lock the doors of his car and home whenever he’s in them, but not if he’s gone.
23. Fears: he’ll become complacent. He’s good with his life now, but doesn’t want it to stay that way.
24. Attitudes: always polite to strangers, honest with friends (sometimes good, sometimes not), impatient with family.
25. Character flaws: complains about everything others do wrong that he does, too. Isn’t exactly gifted, but squanders what he has. Knows how to give a good pep talk; extremely sarcastic.
26. Character strengths: Knows how to give a good pep talk; no one ever questions what he means when he’s straightforward. Funny, fun.
27. Pets: none, except misses his childhood dogs.
28. Taste in books, music, etc.: loves classics, modern fiction, will read anything anyone suggests to him. Appreciates anything that’s “good.” Especially loves 60’s and 70’s rock, singer-songwriters, folk, jazz, and classical. Couldn’t choose between Beethoven and the Kinks.
29. Journal entries: always means to write, but never does.
30. Correspondence: hates the phone, likes to write letters, but never does. Misses his friends, feels obligated to see his family, but rarely does anything about it.
31. Food preferences: anything with melted cheese, but not a fan of fast food.
32. Handwriting: small, neat, always printed, writes only black ink.
33. Astrological sign: Aries
34. Talents: Picks up things easily, but rarely improves afterward; good musical ear; played trumpet for a long time, was very good, but not good enough to go pro.
35. Friends: mostly live far away, except for Ryan. Acquaintance of co-workers.
36. Relatives: not close to extended family at all.
37. Enemies: a guy at work bugs him, but he mostly ignores him. He’s too laid back for enemies.
38. As seen by others: nice, odd, not very interesting, but easy to get along with.
39. As seen by self: not very industrious; wishes he wanted more, but doesn’t at the moment.
40. Scars: down his left shin from getting hit by someone’s cleats in college intramural soccer.
41. Tattoos, piercings, etc.: none.
42. Salary: minimum wage + $100-200 in tips per night or so, if he’s having a good night.
43. What is kept: whatever food his roommate buys, Tylenol, comb, toothbrush (keeps clean but does little else to groom), doesn’t keep a calendar, has people’s phone numbers and addresses in an Excel spreadsheet on his laptop.